End of Year 2019!!!

The year of 2019 has been had good times and not-so-good of times. Regardless of how well things were situated in the year, I learned something. All I can really ask for is to continue growing in the many ways that is possible. I am not and will never claim to be the perfect person, but sure enough, I work to determine my own fate and not that of others. So if you are wondering, here are the three big things that I have learned from 2019!

Mental Health

2019 was full of ups and downs - I have never faced so many issues in one year that made me want to give up. I was dealing with so much during the year wrapping up my graduate school experience and at the end of the year finding out some health things that would make my goal to become healthier physically important.

During my last semester of graduate school, I struggled mentally. I am not going to reach deep into the past to share too many details as I personally do not want to relive the horror that was the final semester. Just know that I struggled mentally - it was a daily battle trying to figure out if this was the field for me because I had just learned how many people were not as “supportive” as I thought would be. I felt attacked on a daily basis being on campus, but this is where I recognized that I was in a place where not many people looked like me. Normally it would not be as taxing to work through those issues - but it was a different type of hurt because I knew that these would be some of the same people working with students that looked like me and I did not approve of their “supportive” measures since I found their measures to be abusive and, quite honestly, disgusting. They were the people I would never introduce my family or friends to because of my total disapproval of their personality.

The hurt that I experienced at the end of my graduate experience was too much and I could not handle it. It was to the point that I lost too much of the fire that it required to make me want to do my job. While I was processing with the many people around me that I cared about, a lot of them reminded me that I needed to find my way back to MYSELF. I was not wanting to really focus on the why of me working in this field, rather I wanted to recognize what I needed to help me be productive, even in the moments when I was not feeling sane. So the summer became a long journey of forgiving the people that caused harm without confronting them...because honestly the idea of speaking to some of these people and listening to their excuses would do no good. It would just lead me down a path of darkness and I had already been depressed long enough to not want to go back to that place. I had to forgive from a distance and it was best for me.

While grad school was great in multiple ways, it was also hard. I will never forget the pain that is associated with such an important mark in my life. I am excited for the day when someone asks me about my graduate experience and my mind does not shake from trying not to explode. Iowa has definitely given me a lot of great people that I know will be there forever... but it also gave me a lot of harmful individuals. I just hope one day they can be someone's hero and not their villain.

Physical Health

Besides the many mental issues that I ran into during the earlier part of the year, I also began dealing with the issues that come from not being in the healthiest physical position. While it would be easy to blame other aspects of life, I have been trying to take responsibility for the parts that I have played in not taking care of myself physically, knowing the benefits that it would have as I continue to move forward in life. I allowed myself to skip working out on a regular basis and let myself have an excessive amount of junk and sugar, which I learned was a bad thing further down the line.

I am here at the end of the year, thinking about how I cannot wait until the New Year to create a resolution. So it all began with going to the doctor to find out what I can do to make sure my lifestyle change is consistent and more than a trend to share on Instagram. While the positive reinforcement is great, using it as a form of motivation and care would not be good in the long run. Trying to be better is a journey that I am willing to share, and I am aware that I have to do some of the actions without depending on the actions of others. One of the best things that my therapist shared with me was, “if I wait until I am ready to do something...then I will never do it.” My comfortability can be a curse.

So here I am moving slowly but making process - if you do not believe me ask my doctor that you do not know for verification. Lol.

Making a plan...DITCH THE PLAN

I have been seeing a therapist for a little while and one of the many things we talk about is my lack of ability to do things that are not practical. We decided this comes from a few systematic things, but mainly my fear of not achieving things that I consider to be “successful” or “necessary” - we are learning that spontaneity is not in my vocabulary. I want security in my life, butI am not willing to do things that do not allow me to be in a safe situation. Because of that, we have been discussing ways that would allow for me to be better about how I am going to accomplish some of the many goals that I have in life. Because while I love the field of Student Affairs, some days I am not sure if this is my forever home. Maybe down the line things will change, but right now I am sure careers will change. We have discussed the possibility making plans for myself to make the leap to what I care for and not trying to figure out all of the possibilities before I make a decision to move forward. She wants me to consider options and just throw myself into trying to accomplish the beginning stages without depending too much on my practical lifestyle. I do want to preface that she is not telling me to go into things that I know I will fail, but to make decisions on feelings and not practicality.

Long story short, who knows if I will listen to her...maybe I will just find another therapist!

Overall, I think that I have learned to start taking care of myself more often. I have made too many adjustments to accommodate all of the people that are in my life and I feel like I do not dedicate enough for myself. I think that I have very supportive people in my life who would be okay with me putting myself first sometimes, but I can do better. There is nothing healthier than making yourself feel loved! I cannot wait for 2020 because the continued growth is going to look nice and eventually I will live happier on a regular basis.

Words of 2020:

Compassion

Warmth

Understanding

Bye 2019

Things have become clearer and I am grateful, despite the challenges 2019 presented.

In this last blog of the year - I would also like to thank you all for engaging with me as I write. I know sometimes it is not easy to follow my rambling posts, but if you come back every time, I appreciate you for all your support. I would also like to share that this will also be the last blog post using this platform. In the new year of 2020, I will have a new blog site! Make sure to keep your eyes on the lookout as I ring in the New Year on January 2nd, 2020. I wish I could share the name of the project, but I have yet to narrow down a creative enough title. Stay tuned - it is coming.

I finally made it to Wisconsin - 2019 Wrapped up well!