Nothing is Too Good

I spend days and sometimes even weeks in my apartment thinking about the interactions I have experienced with other humans. I think about how much I engage alone and with other people around how an interaction might have happened. As much as I would like to jump on the bandwagon of people who say they do not think about things/people who have ran into some form of conflict with them I cannot. Mostly because my life as a black man does not allow for that as sometimes I am immediately a threat to most which strains our interactions immediately. Partially because my zodiac sign is Cancer and yes I like to be aware of things. But what I have yet to understand is why I can’t have the same experience as others when it comes to letting things go. For clarity sake I want to inform you that I am not saying that I am spending those days or weeks wondering if they like me...but more so trying to figure out what underlying issues there are that have prevented me from being able to have interactions that do not feel like a 150 pound bag of potatoes have been dropped on my back. We all have a few people in this world that we just hate and we can never explain why. But instead of trying to figure it out we just threw something at it to make it valid - not realizing that it will not fix those underlying issues that you have experienced. Life will continue to happen that same way until we are able to make clear thoughts about why things happen the way they do. I am not trying to say try to be friends, but do you always have a thing about people who are not your friends or family?

Some days I hate my job. I want to get up from my desk and pack my things and go. While some people may not want to hear that it is the truth and then there are the others who feel completely the same way. Even if you are not wondering why, I am going to tell you anyway. Working with a population of privileged students and sometimes colleagues get to me, I do not want to have anything to do with them as it is sometimes just easier to distance myself from the foolery that I think is occurring. But then I sometimes remember what part of this field includes and why I even decided to do the work. While I do care about the academics of students I also care about the impact they will have on people when they leave this institution and go out in the “real world” - which I use quotes because everyone says it is not the real world and I would bet that for most of these students it is...college is not what it used to be and it is moving further away from that. So I find it to be important that I take these few precious years of a students career to share my story with them so that it does not become theirs. Yes there is some expectation that these students do what I suggest but the reality is they sometimes will not and those are the moments that I just have to swallow. Because whether or not they take what I say for real at that moment at some point it might become real in the future regardless if it is something that I said or someone else in their life that they have ignored. Now you might be wondering why I am even ranting about college students when I began writing something that has seemed completely different, but hopefully you will find some connections - so continue!

Our learned biases and unrecognized biases have affected us more than we are aware and it has become so easy for us to glaze over some of our decisions because we have convinced ourselves that what we are doing is valid. Whether we know it or not I have been given the question of if that means we hate someone? Are the thoughts and actions that we put into the space hate and does it have a lasting impact on the people that we come in contact with? I think just as I expect those who microagress me with their words and actions to learn and try to clear it up...I must in return do the same thing. I must take responsibility and know that I have possibly caused harm to someone based on my thoughts and years will go by and I do not know how I have been a lasting impact on how people have continued to function. I am aware that there will be some people who have reached this point and consider me to be crazy, but this is real. It is true that our decisions do affect people and we can learn how to control what it is that we put into the space.While I cannot always control their feelings - I can do the best I know how to make sure I am not being hateful.

Lastly, here is where I am going to switch it up - while I have mentioned that I have a responsibility it is important for others to realize how my actions as a black man have been made to be more than what it really is...this would be a chance for me and the person I am interacting with to recognize any stereotypes and biases that we are holding to make us as individuals feel as though someone is attacking you, hating you, being mean, being rude, just being a Gosh Damn Mess and realized that you have possibly been taught to think that this person is trying to intentionally harm you. So there is a responsibility in knowing when you have caused hate and harm versus when you have learned to be the victim and make others the attacker. I write from this point of view that makes me responsible for both as well because as a black man I have the privilege to create that narrative for a black woman. While I may participate - I am trying to be aware so I can begin to do better. Begin to give people their space back so I can walk away knowing that my actions were thoughtful. Yes I know there is still a possibility of impact but at some point I have to realize that I really tried and allow them to process as necessary. So don’t go looking for forgiveness or looking to give it but please do consider how you have an impact on humans from the things that you learned from others. But really be thoughtful and don’t give yourself a pass.

Thanks for reading another one of my almost directionless blogs! I enjoy putting my jumbled thoughts onto paper for people to critique - so if you have thoughts facebook message me or email: marcuspowell84@gmail.com

Also my book is available on Amazon: A Squeezed Lemon!