16 Years of This...

I remember the first time someone called me a “fag” which is short for “faggot” if you were not aware. It was a confusing moment for me for a number of reasons but two of the main reasons being that at the moment it happened...I was not sure of what a “fag” was and second when someone explained it I was like how could that be the case. Unfortunately, from that moment on it had been the defining aspect of me as a person and the more I learned about it the more it hurt - mostly because I started to believe the things that people were saying. Being referred to as “fag”, “gay”, “sissy”, “homo”, etc is always a hard pill to swallow. Even at the age I am now and having the ability to defend myself verbally and physically if I feel the need to, but regardless I don’t appreciate the comment and I never will. None of those words are ever said with a sense of endearment - they precisely want to harm you as a person. People say that sticks and stones break bones but words never hurt - well seven year old me did not agree with that. Plus on top of that I am a Cancer and yall know we are sensitive.

The first moment of me being called a “fag” left me wounded and open to the suggestions and thoughts of everyone else. I was in a vulnerable state and I was not sure how I was going to pull myself up and keep moving. The older I got the more difficult it actually became for me because I was on like #345325 of being called some form of “gay” and mentally to protect myself - I chose it as my path. At the moment when I picked it as my path I never had any real feelings for anyone, so it was easy to live without the pressures of wanting to defend myself because the hiding was easy. I told myself it was the truth - apparently those who teased me knew it as well, so why fight what people said.

After making the decision to chose “gay” as a life path things were easy until it was time for me to go to high school. Things became more of an intense time and that is when it became harder to live “peacefully”. One it was when I knew that I was super particular about who was attractive, but mostly because that is when I learned that I was attracted to to females. Go Figure! Being attracted to females made things harder than I thought because now my body and mind was telling me yes, but my mind was also telling me no. I was not sure what to think so I kept my mouth closed. Again, it was easier to stay quiet and not approach who or what I wanted to avoid further confusion. The teasing continued and the number had driven up to #456833 of being called some form of “gay” and of course it continued. It continued so much that it ruined a moment that I think could have been defining for me (Hahahaha). I laugh because things change over time, but who knows she could have been with me forever or not. I remember the day this girl walked into an organizational meeting that I was apart of and only God knew how I was feeling at that moment. If it was a movie they probably would have showed everything that flashed through my head when I saw her, but luckily this is reality and I can keep those secrets. I am not going to share a lot, but for a long time I crushed and gushed over her. I never expressed my feelings for her until one day we were chatting and I mentioned how everyone assumes I am gay when they meet me. It was a turning moment for me because she said with strong emphasis that she did not feel that way when we first met. At that very moment I could have jumped into moving traffic on Lake Shore Drive. For two years I spent my time believing she thought one thing, but it was never a thing for her. Unfortunately things remained as crappy because I was leaving for college, so of course trying to make things work at that moment was low. But as you can probably imagine this was something that happened for majority of the crushes I had on someone - I never spoke about it in fear of them possibly believing I was gay.

You would think that college would make things easier, but one of my least favorite people in the world happened to attend the same college as me and things continued. This person that I have determined to be the BANE of my existence apparently continued his games in college. I spent college trying to escape his annoying face, but to my surprise I was not as undesirable to him. He kept the ball rolling by telling people in undergrad that I was gay. I mean it might not be true, but why would someone who I knew nothing of approach me to tell me about their fun sessions of bashing people. I guess I could blame the class assignment in speech class that involved students talking about who they are and where they are from. Regardless it solidified his spot in line with others that I want to punch directly in the face.

After long days and even longer days I started a process:

Junior year of college I finally determined that it was time for me to get some help mentally. I was a Resident Assistant and I was always preaching to my residents that they should try, but never went myself. That year I was not 100% willing to talk about my status with being confused on what I wanted and dealt with some other issues like family matters and dealing with friendships.

Senior year I finally became comfortable with using LGBT words and my name in the same sentence. I did not go into therapy trying to rid myself of what others had placed on me - I tried to rid myself of the fear of telling people. I was more afraid of telling my sister and mother because of the fear we may not be as close as we are. Because of the fear the therapy sessions became coaching sessions about coming out to family. I was supposed to come out over winter break, but that never happened. I just remember my youtube suggestions being full of coming out stories - I wanted to know all of the outcomes. Hahahaha! After the plan failed I explained that telling people I was gay was hard because of attraction to both females and males. Who would have known that attraction has many different levels like emotional and sexual. I never took the time to differentiate the two and went with the idea of okay...maybe I am bi-sexual.

I told my friends that I was Bi-Sexual and for a while it felt right. My last summer I was involved with a few different people both female and male - which led to things not being as “right” as I thought. That is when I learned more of the difference between emotional and sexual attraction. The connection beyond emotional attraction did not seem natural with males like it was with females. I remember hanging with a guy and things progressed, but I had to leave and found myself crying for the entire night about how shitty things were and my level of confusion was at an all time high. I was glad that I hadn’t told family but I was in stressed mode because I told friends. In my head that was something that I could not go back on - but hahaha good thing my friends were amazing people.

When I arrived to graduate school I went back to therapy - I was so dedicated that I was going to 8am sessions before class. When I think about it now that probably was not the best choice because I was so wrapped up in conversations from therapy and sometimes could only focus on that. I wanted to find a conclusion for myself before my first year in Iowa was over, fully recognizing that it was possible that it would not happen. But luckily for me it did…

After sessions of crying, mindfulness activities, and conversations things became more clear. I moved beyond the idea of caring what other people thought about me from the past and learned how to manage those feelings in the present and future. I determined that I was not gay or bisexual...I learned that I was emotionally and physically attracted to ladies, while also occasionally acknowledging the emotional attraction that I having with guys and not taking it as me wanting to hook up with them. That became a closed chapter that changed a lot of stuff for me positively. If things were to change in the future, I probably would not care to tell anyone because why care what anyone thinks - good thing my business is MY business.

I will leave you with 3 thoughts

1. This is hard to tell because I do not want others feeling like people who are gay, bisexual, etc are not who they say they are. We are not all the same so don’t hope or wish that there is a reason they are under the LGBT Umbrella besides the fact that they were born that way. It is not your place - so make sure to have several seats.

2. I assume a lot of people question the ease of telling friends, but it was because friends are easier to remove from my life. Some family members have been easy to remove as well, but that is not the case for all family. Heck even some friendships would have been tough but not as tough as having to give up hateful family members.

3. My Favorite Learned Mindfulness Activity.

A. Close your eyes

B. Focus on your inhales and exhales.

C. Find 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can feel, and think of 5 good memories and focus on how those good memories made you feel.