Everything has a Beginning.

Everyone assumes that someone overweight chooses to be just that, but sometimes it is not that simple. Sometimes there is a trickle down effect that causes people to fall into a whole that they frankly grow to big for and cannot get out. I sure do not want people to think my experience is that of everyone else, but it might be a good starting point for you to consider as you need more perspective on why some people might be overweight.

Now imagine this cloud bubble above your head…

As a child, I remember my mom being severely sick. She was so sick that she sometimes was not able to get out of bed due to the pain and issues. For those that know me well are aware that I am a momma’s boy. If you were not aware of that then there is fun fact #43549 for you to chew on. But as a momma’s boy growing up and seeing my mom be affected to the extent where she couldn’t do everything she wanted - it did impact me. I very clearly remember the day that my mom laid in bed while myself, my three siblings, and father stood beside her bed to give her mother's day gift. We were on our way to church and after giving her the gift I remember her crying. Being a child I was not 100% sure about why she was crying, but I sure knew that I was sad too. Sad because my mom was not able to do the things she once was able to do. Do not worry, my mom is okay and broke through the pain and made her way back to her normal self. As she was recovering - I was drowning; drowning in this thing called food.

After my mother became sick I found comfort in food. It was easy to feel good until I did not feel that way because of all the things that made up junk food. I said screw the momentary issues of having a tummy ache because the feeling I had while eating outweighed the hurting stomach. I had become so dependent on taking care of my feelings with food that it sometimes happened without me thinking about it. Food was a medicine and as a child I did not think much about it because I would go outside and attend P.E. so things went unnoticed.

Those things went unnoticed for a long time because I made it through middle school, high school, and undergrad before I had my first ah ha moment. Grad school was the first time that I caught myself getting up from bed after checking a grade on an assignment to get something to eat. I laid in bed preparing to go to bed, but just like the rest of my generation I am somewhat addicted to my phone. My phone is something that can do everything and I just keep it near. I would say that I am quite grateful for my phone that night because it helped me think more about my habits. During my first year of graduate school this was also the third time that I was in counseling, but the first time I really questioned my weight issues. The other two times I avoided as a topic because I already had too many insecurities to deal with. Along with my phone was my wonderful counselor who gave me the time and opportunity to look back over the experiences and try to put together the things that made me Marcus.

First let me tell you - my counselor was the greatest thing ever because I threw a bucket of my problems at her and she was able to throw it back, but with solutions. One of the things that I did was go through my memory and try to remember when things were at its all time high. Some of those moments centered around depression and anxiety from experiences that I had being influenced by peers. I am here to say that bullying is real and it has effects on people in a way that you may not realize. It should not be hard to imagine being bombarded with the hateful things in life. Especially things that you already have insecurities about. And yes, you did read that right - I do expect everyone to be able to imagine the feelings. Because everyone has been bullied at one point in their life. Regardless of where it took place. Some people experienced bullying from family, teachers, friends, neighbors, etc. We just all respond to it differently because we are human and just need an outlet.

My outlet was food and it was the only way I knew of besides getting physically aggressive with everyone that offended me. I did not always think it was necessary no matter how much I probably wanted to hit someone. There were days when that was the outcome, but that could not be all of the time. As a child sometimes and even as an adult there has to be constant reminders about dealing with people who were just the worst. Those people might still be thriving while I spent time being upset and eating my feelings away. But time and awareness was a factor - those two things matter so much. While I am more aware of what and how things have happened I can move in better directions. My life can only go up from here just as long as I continue to get better.

I will not bore you with too many details because the important part is the fact that there are plenty of people out struggling just like I am. They are struggling to find the outlet that is their demon and looking for an outlet that can rid them of all those things. Demons are the real bitch and I will depart with this...instead of shaming someone about something that they have to carry, I would say try to be a good one. Be a light for someone every once in a while - although I am aware that you cannot be everyone’s light. Be reminded that I said try, not one soul on this earth is perfect so you will not always be a saint. Once people realize that then you know things might be better.

Check yourself...before you wreck someone else.