Part 1

I have not been able to sleep the last few nights since I returned to iowa City. I considered all of the options as to why that could be. Is it because I am spending my first Christmas away from family? Is it because I am struggling with the thought that graduate school is coming to an end? Or am I just a dope who gets caught up in the videos on YouTube? Maybe it is me constantly questioning my decisions? - shoutout to my anxiety. But it seems like it is all of that. This is another year in the books, but a special year because so much has happened. I figured that instead of watching Shane Dawson or Rihanna I could reflect.

So…

In July I decided to be open with people and let them into my crazy brain that talks itself in and out of realities that I may want to face or the ones I do not. I was not sure how often I would actually keep up with the blog, but I just knew that this was one of the only ways for people to know that I was okay - or partially okay. Because there was some shit that went down over the months of my life when I decided to start my blog. I was a mess, a wreck, a damaged black boy, an accident, an oops, etc. But this has been therapeutic and I have become less of a damaged black boy and more of mildly okay version of what a human should be. Do not worry your heads, this is me describing the process - you should be glad that I have made the jump from damaged black boy to barely there black boy to mildly okay version of what a human should be. It means that I am making progress. Progress that is beautiful for me and my growth as a human, so I am excited!

Giving up:

This was the title of my life a year ago, not like giving up wanting to kill myself - but giving up on people being decent human beings to me. A year ago I was blessed to get back into counseling, there was a few people and things that I had began to work through in undergrad but then i took time away from counseling - which I recognized that things were coming back. Coming back to affect me on a regular basis. So much so that I did not want to be around people. My negative tendencies started to resurface and it was at the height of life - I was entering graduate school. Nothing is worse than being at the bottom of who you are when you need to make connections, but obviously nothing could make me care.

Regardless, those are the things that drove my time prior to this year. I had to get into counseling to figure out how I could be good to myself if others would not be. Unfortunately it meant I had to pull out the shear scissors and cut some ties, but it happened.

I learned during my time in counseling that...I am a good person and people do not deserve to have me if they can’t handle the flaws that I do have.

I learned that the human race thrives off of negativity and not necessarily the other positive aspects that make up our reality.

Once I learned how to sift through the harmful people and bring myself to the forefront that is then when things began to go up!

While giving up was a theme for a long time,,,I was blessed with the best counselor to help me work through those things. Which started me on the path of becoming more than the damaged black boy.

Separation:

As the Spring 2018 semester was coming to an end, I became more excited than ever. I was in the process of heading to Penn State University for the summer. If you know me - then you know I love volleyball...but if you really know me then you know just how much I love Penn State Volleyball! I had been following the team for about 11 years at this point. Which made the point of leaving even more exciting.

Thanks, for indulging in the quick hype moment of why I love Penn State! But I was also excited to get there to be away. I figured that I needed space...space from school, friends, family, reality, etc. I knew that I would be able to hide from the world when I was not working while being there. It was the time I needed to decide who I was and what I was willing to share with the world. During my time in therapy, one of the main conclusions was that I had some secrets and I needed to reveal them. But I had to reveal them to those who I cared to know and who I just had a genuine care for as people. I knew that these secrets would bring questions, comments, concerns...but it was necessary for me to reveal these secrets so I could be at peace again.

Real Truth, the separation was to see if I could survive alone just incase people made decisions that would lead them to cut me out of their life or me cutting them out of my life. I have said for the last few years that goals are to move to Montana and live in a one bedroom apartment while working at C Grade diner serving day old pie. It was my fantasy escape and my life plan just incase people did not agree with who I wanted to be. I will say living with people not knowing versus them knowing has totally different effects. I guess I can speak more to those effects once I move to Montana, but that will not be for a while-

During this time of separation millions of things came to a head. Spending 3 months in a new place with barely any friends, no television, limited personal effects, and thoughts that consume you can become dark. At week 2 it was like living in a dark hole that only saw light a few times. I immediately became wrapped in my thoughts and had no one to talk through scenarios with. I talked with one person the entire summer, but apparently that was not enough for the upkeep. There was a slight moment when the light began to peek in because one of the professional staff members stopped me in the hallway and said “Do not fall into a hole, keep yourself busy”- it only worked for a little while before I was making my way back to that hole. It is like the hole had a magnet attached to me. It was much easier to be sucked in than it was to pull away.

From the dark hole, I found no excitement in my internship...I hated people...I hated the SA Field...I WAS DONE. I attempted to move on to what I thought would be a better life - even though I had no clue what the move would be for me. Although things were floating as far to rock bottom as possible, three people managed to keep me afloat - Shoutout to Paul, Miranda, and Alisha. They made time easier as time passed.

Coming of the Blog:

My blog was a saving grace in July. Between writing my book and blog things had become rising on the bright end. I sifted through the Bull shit that was my life and found the points which I wanted to share and made that very effort. As someone who enjoys the stories of other people, maybe it was time for me to share some of my journey that would be freeing. I was always under the impression that me not sharing my story was me not caring what others have to say, but it was the opposite. I was completely frightened by what people had to say. Which is not uncommon for most people - I mean it was not like I wanted attention. I hope that if anything some people have gained something from this either for themselves or to share with others. Life is scary until you realize how much you do not mind stepping outside with the things you hate to throw hands. No I do not mean actually fighting people - even if they deserve it...trust I can think of a few people from high school, undergrad, and grad school who could meet a two piece...but I also realize that they are not worth it!

Since the blog, I have endured a few more things, but working through them has been much more of an easy process. But I will end it here and let you pick up at another time with part 2!

Peace, Love, and Rihanna!

Merry Christmas!