My Indecisive Life

I was in a one on one with one of my resident assistants and she asked me how I was doing. I admittedly always get stuck when my resident assistants ask that question. I never know what to say because I do not want to give them too much that they feel like I just picked up a wall and chucked it at them; but also wanting to avoid being too short that it seems like I do not trust or like them. But at that moment things came flowing out like a river because I was just thinking about all of the things that are making me nervous, scared, sick, anxious, etc. My Resident Assistant brought it straight to the surface, but it was during a moment when I was able to vocalize how I felt. FINALLY

If you know me, then you know that I love my family and friends. I do not trust many people and I take longer than most to build relationships. I have learned over the last few years how to jump head in and start developing relationships - but not a fan of the end. I do not mean end like we are no longer friends, but I mean end because one of us is moving on to new things. For instance since I have been here at the University of Iowa, Keniese has been a great sounding board, friend, mentor since arriving in July of 2017. Now that my two years is up of graduate school, I could either stick around or make the jump to explore some more areas that interest me. Keniese is not the only one that has an effect, but having that many people have a positive effect on me is sometimes a detriment because I enjoy quality time with people that I care about. I poured that all out to my resident assistant, explaining the gut turning feeling of leaving wonderful people and going somewhere else to start life and not know people or even worse not be able to connect. Once again people that truly know me also know that I am not like omg we like the color green - we are best friends. I have strict ways on how I develop with friends.

As I think about the job search process I get more nervous than I expected. Early stages of me jumped with excitement because it would soon be the time when I apply for jobs, but now the relator in me is scared to leave behind the people I connect with. Also there is just this strong fear that I will not get a job. Although I do feel confident in the education that I have and the resume that I have to help land me a great opportunity. I am going to miss too many people and things about my time here at the University of Iowa. I have grown so much, some of it was forced while some of it was me deciding to be a better human. This process I thought was only going to take a toll on me mentally because of needing to land a job, but apparently deciding how to accommodate others and yourself makes things difficult. My nerves are not going away anytime soon, so I guess I will just have to deal with the issues that are presented when looking for a job. I know that I must continue working hard and deciding how to deal with these feelings.

Someone just tell me what to do!