Voices - stfu

I struggled with the idea of coming back to graduate school, and that feeling only got worse when I arrived back to Iowa and started working July 30th,2018. I felt these unnecessary pressures and I felt some unnecessary judgement coming from those around me. The closer we got to beginning school - - the more I began to hate those around me. Or, maybe not hate because that is a strong word. But I did enter the year 2 arena with some unsettled feelings and thoughts. Anytime someone pulled → I ran the opposite direction hoping that the dragging of them in the dirt would prompt them to let me go. Yet, some people held on for dear life.

The sad part is, I am still dragging some people alone for the ride and I wish they would let go. I have dealt with a few feelings since being back - which is good because it keeps me grounded and helps me realize all of the time that I am a human. Maybe a human with some misplaced screws, but nonetheless a human. One human! But I have struggles and sometimes the behavior I exude is supposed to suppress the feelings, the tears, the rage...whatever is happening at that very moment.

1. When I prepped to come back to Iowa, I knew things would be different. I was the new second year masters student in town and things were expected of me. Regardless of where the expectations came from - the journey that me and those expectations were set to go on would be one scary rollercoaster. Sign us up for fright fest, because I scared myself and things haven't even started yet. I questioned what I was going to do to be a better student, but you know as I slowly figure things out the more I realized that if I am not the typical “scholar” like everyone else, but that does not mean it would not rip away at me during the process. Mind you these are all of the things eating me as I figure out what will happen when the school doors open on the Monday of the first class.

But in the meantime and in between time - things happened and those moments broke me and still have me out here feeling like Woody when Andy irresponsible ass ripped his arm. I refuse to name moments and people because the overwhelming part is what happened, and I expected it to never happen. Only never because these are supposed to be “woke” “conscious” people, professors, friends, coworkers, students, etc. They did nothing great for me but,

2. My community started to make me feel as though I was “Too Black”, but when it happens I wonder to myself are these things I should say? Or, will it just be another moment of me feeling as though my experiences do not matter. I swear my vocal chords had been snatched - I was unsure of where to start because so many people had snatched them that I was unsure which match would be the most beneficial for me in the long run. Feeling like I was “Too Black” started prior to classes returning, but it put a deep anxiety in the pit of my stomach to eat itself out later. I started collecting the small pieces where I could, avoided telling people that would care because I was avoiding being what I determine a burden. I tried to embrace myself, but it was not working. I had come to the conclusion that the internal support system that I had last year had become irrelevant. We had not made it to week 4 of school and already “My Blackness” seemed to have become too much for the classroom, outside the classroom, the office, outside the office, etc. The struggle had started and it was not going anywhere anytime soon.

The part about this that killed me the most, was realizing that I don’t have anyone on the outside to speak with about my day to day who I can see, smile with, hug, and embrace.

And, no this is not me wishing I had sig other, but me wishing my network was larger.

I just sometimes want to drop everything where it is at and leave.

I can’t even cry about it, because it feels wasteful to waste something so intense on something so bland and boring - the MAYO.

Then I remember that I need to be here for multiple reasons - some more strict than others.